June 11, 2003

Things were kinda hectic around here last night and today.

It all started late last night, sometime after midnight I think, with some chest pains and shortness of breath and other disturbing symptoms that weren't going away and just getting worse as the night wore on.

In retrospect, I know I was suffering from anxiety. Hell, I almost always am, but it was particularly bad last night. What I'm not really clear on is if the pain brought on the anxiety or if the anxiety led to the painful and breathless sensations. It all feeds onto each other and the phycial and mental symptoms I experience are so closely wrapped up in one another that I often can't tell where one leaves off and the other starts.

So after awhile I decide to wake up my husband and ask him to bring me to the ER. Yes, I was freaking out at this point. Just totally freaking out and not knowing what the fuck to do with myself, feeling like I was just shit out of options.

I hate the hospital.

I ended up being there for about eight hours, from very early this morning until this afternoon. They didn't find anything wrong with me. I'm supposed to follow up with my regular doctor in a day or two. The official diagnosis is 'atypical chest pain' - basically, your chest hurts and we have no fucking idea why.

I had an EKG, normal except for the rapid pace of my heart, my blood pressure was really high, my blood oxygen level was good, and I had a whole bunch of blood drawn and I assume those tests came out okay but I never really heard anything about that.

They started an IV going. Well, actually, they just inserted the IV hookup but it wasn't attached to a bag or anything. First they tried to get it into my hand, dug around for a vein for awhile, and hurt and bruised the hell outta my hand in the process. Finally she got a vein in my forearm. I hate hate hate all this medical shit being done to me. I feel so fucking helpless, like I'm totally at their mercy, and I'm so sensitive to bodily sensations that it just freaks me out.

I was supposed to have a a CAT scan to check for blood clots in my lungs but I totally balked. I didn't want that dye shit shot into me and I absoloutely could not tolerate lying flat on my back and going into the cylinder thing. The guy was a total bitch to me too and refused to bend at all to try to find a way to complete the test where I could actually breathe.

So after a ton of waiting I went to have some other test. I don't even know what the fuck it was, only that I had to inhale some radioactive gas through this airtight mask while being given a limited amount of oxygen. It was horrible. I have issues with feeling like I can't breathe and this test brought out them all. The lady administering the test was very nice and we managed to work it out so that I could have the test while I was sitting up.

After that was finally, finally over they performed another test where they injected some radioactive shit into the IV and then took pictures of my lungs. I hated having anything shot through the IV. I can actually feel it going through my arm and it freaks me out. Okay, absoloutely EVERYTHING freaks me out, but still. That in particular does.

I really think they should have doped me up before giving me those tests though. I was a wreck during and after.

So, after all that, no blood clot, nothing wrong they can tell, so that was that. I don't really know anything I didn't know yesterday.

I'm so sick of living like this. It's always something. I'm so sick of having so many limitations. Physical, mental, you name it. Half the time leaving the house is just too damn much for me.

Other than that, let's see. My husband's still not working. I'm still not working. We're both of us pretty much not working. Not really a good situation.

There might be some really big changes coming up for us soon. We're still not 100 percent agreed and decided, but there is definitely something coming up, a big choice to be made, and it's all very cool and very scary and very exciting.

Why oh why oh why did I click on the thread on sybermoms labeled disturbing? I can't stand reading stuff like that--in this case a young, seemingly healthy mother dying for no apparent reason in bed with her kids. I know that now I'm going to dwell on this forever. Dwell and dwell and obsess and freak myself out and not be able to let it go. Maybe I do have OCD.

I know shit like that happens. It happens every day. And I have absoloutely no control over whether or not it will ever happen to me. So what good does the constant worrying about it do, except raise my blood pressure?

Writing about it is disturbing, makes it all more real, so moving on:

Tomorrow is my daughter's last day of school for the year. It was a great year for her I think. I hope I manage to give her a fun summer.

Posted by Destiny at June 11, 2003 03:07 AM | TrackBack

Comments

(((hugs)))

You know how glad I am that you're okay, sweetie! I just hope someone out there figures out what's up with you and helps you with it!

I think that A had a great year at school and that she'll also have a great summer! Don't worry about that! :-)

As for the changes...you know I'm here to support you in whatever you do. I just want the best for you guys! :-)

Posted by: Milenka on June 11, 2003 10:27 AM

That sucks that the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with you. I'm glad you're doing ok now though. Sorry you had to go through that.
I'm sure your daughter had a great year at school! Is she going to Kindergarten this fall? My nephew is. His preschool graduation is tomorrow evening. He's very excited that he's a "big kid" now!
Good luck on the decision on your big changes...

Take care.

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